This post should probably just be called "This is Why You're Fat, America" because, well, this is why. Introducing the TV Hat. The portable television appendage that latches onto your face in a manner akin to the extraterrestrial parasite in Alien, thereby impregnating you with all the reality TV muck you can consume.

According to the Smoking Gun, Vince Schlomi, a/k/a "Vince Offer," a/k/a "the Sham Wow guy," a/k/a #26 on this year's 100 Unsexiest Men list, was arrested last month for punching a woman he'd paid $1000 for sex. Charges were never filed, but in a police report obtained by the Smoking Gun, Schlomi admitted to cops (after being read his right to remain silent) that after forking over a grand in $20 bills to one Sasha Harris and taking her back to a hotel room, she "bit his tongue and would not let go," whereupon Vince "began to strike [Harris] numerous times in the face area." Nobody comes out of this one looking too good.