Slop Culture Photo Story Time: John Mayer and Jessica Simpson Snog on the Beach

Holy Fuck the What.

We can't stop giggling over some RIDICULOUS pictures of Jessica "A Public Affair" Simpson and John "O-face" Mayer frolicking on the beach in Sydney, Australia. What makes them so good isn't just how foolishly carefree these crazy kids are. It's Sky News's inane sidebar commentary. Here, just look.

We're inspired.

As such, we present you with the first edition of our little Thursday Afternoon Slop Culture Photo Story Time. 

John: Just because I went to Berkeley for two seconds doesn't mean I'm not manly like your ex-husband! Look at my tensed forearm! I have a mop top!
Jess: Oh my gawd! I'm really loving my new brown hair. But also not.

John: (in awe) I did it!
Jess: (in awe) You did it!

Jess: Thank Gawd my boobs didn't fall out of my cute little farmer girl jumper dress! Look at how cute! I'm not wearing a bra!
John: "You've [sic] got double Ds, you [sic] can't keep those suckers in!" Guess who said that? Ha ha ha!
Jess: Daddy! Ha ha ha!
John: Ha Ha! That isn't psychotic and twisted at all! Hey, I'm really starting to like you!

Jess: This is my playful face.
John: Mm, hmm.

Jess: This is my "I'm a serious actress and recording artist" face. And my "I'm still hotter than Ashlee" face. And my "I'm tousled by the wind and sand and sea and it makes me contemplate humanity and stuff" face.
John: Mm, hmm.

Jess: Hahahaha! I'm so fake looking!
John: Yes. Don't you just love how my sunglasses on my gross mop top make me look like I'm participating in the new head band trend?
Jess: Oh, John, I love your fashion advice! You're so smart and cute! Can we kiss?

John: I hope my headband isn't messed up.
Jess: I hope my boobs fall out!

Gawd! Oh well...that was...well, it was almost better than Nick! I'm so happy right now.

My body is a mother fucking wonderland. I hope Jess is watching me right now. Snap.

Jess, Jess, are you watching? Look! I'm about to dog paddle! Jess?! JESS?!!!

Did you see that, babes?

Ew. This isn't going to make Nick jealous at all. I wonder if Pete Wentz is going to be single soon. Tee hee!